Welcome back for another rousing addition of the inner Blog-o-logue!
So I've been taking this Amazing, intensive career mastery course, learning about myself, about the industry
about life in general. My Life that is. One of my recent assignments was to look back and reflect on my career up until now, and write it, to notice what patterns and trends there may be... So, I've decided to share, because... well it's a pretty cool story!
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The Story So far....
In the late 90's I headed off to college, not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, where my talents may lie, or if I even wanted to be there. It just so happened that the school I entered was one of the best performing arts, and arts school in the nation. I spent about a year floundering about and coasting through. Then one semester I took an acting performance class, expecting an "Easy A" and a GPA boost. I got the the A, it was not easy, but it was fun. I also gained a fan in that class; the teacher, who happened to be the head of the drama department. She took an interest in me, an began coercing to take more classes and to consider performing. At the time, I didn't take her or acting very serious. It seemed ridiculously unrealistic to me; 'People from where I was from didn't go off and live out dreams like that!' So she pursued and I reluctantly dipped my toe in the performance waters occasionally, as I still had no idea what I wanted to do.
It wasn't until a close friend at the time, proceeded to sit me down and lecture me like a parent, that I started to listen. He told me how silly I was being because I was so obviously lost, but he could could see how much I enjoyed the acting classes. How my grades reflected that I was apparently good at it, and how 'someone so high up in the faculty and known in the industry saw something and believed in me'. He told me that I was a fool, not to take advantage. So... at that point, I did. I declared a major and took the department head as my faculty adviser and for the next year and a half or so devoted myself to learning all about theater, performing, method technique and all things acting.
Afterwards I left Purchase (college), with a better understanding for where my talents laid, and what I was good at. I came back to New York, still confused as to what I was going to do. I still hadn't bought into the idea of performing for a living. Oddly enough, I entered a subsequent school in which I ended up doing Theater, Again. This time the school was affiliated with the Tribeca Arts Center and I was able to do some performances with the two programs collaboratively. I also volunteered and worked the Tribeca film festival that year, and got a close up view of those who were actually living out their dreams. It was very surreal and inspiring, but I still couldn't see that happening in my own life.
Shortly thereafter, I entered the work force, working in a hospital, 9-5, being of service and actually making good money. Yet, I found myself hating my life. I was over worked, under pressure and stressed out. I didnt like working for other people and I began hating my life. I decided to enroll into a two year Miesner technique program just to have some enjoyment back in my life. In the class, my coach felt I was talented enough to pretty much accelorate past the entire 1st year and had me join the second year students. I began developing a lot of confidence as I was working with people who had been professional, for years, and I was holding my own. I was further encouraged by the teacher and my fellow classmates to keep pursuing my craft, and so I began to dabble my toes into the professional waters. Still under a lot of stress and pressures at work, the demands of a non stop job wore on my body and my Sickle Cell. My health deteriorated badly and I found myself in and out of the hospital multiple times within a year. Much higher than my typical average of 1-2 times in a year. I knew something was wrong. It culminated in me having a very bad, near death episode, where I found myself in and out of consciousness and stuck in the ICU for close to 2 weeks. I feared my own death.
I was forced to taked a disabilty leave from my job. During the time of my illness and my leave, I contemplated death, life, and what truly matters and what I was doing. This was my breaking point, the point of no return. I knew, I was meant for more or at least I decided I was. What I wanted to do with my life, my purpose and path. I no longer wanted to play 'the game' and decided life wasn't about the rat race, but about finding joy and fulfillment. With that... I became an Actor!
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Come back for part two of... The journey thus far!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Finding strength through our sob stories!!
I've experience many highs and lows on this shared Journey we call life. One thing I've come to learn is that we all have our 'Sob stories'. If your not sure what I mean by that, I'm talking of any and all of the negative stories we tell ourselves. The stories that help define us. Those hardships we've been through or maybe are currently going through.
It's the stories that when we share with each other, that oddly enough, seem to trigger peoples competitive nature. Where the next person cant wait to tell theirs in comparison and express how much worse one's experience is over the other. Not something I ever choose to compete over especially considering that we all have them and these are our life stories that effect us personally and profoundly ... comparing them to others seems a waste, and belittling.
As I grow on, I am learning that, its not our sob stories that's as important as they way we relate to them... our interpretations and perceptions of them. Do we let them break us down, or build us up? Life seems to me to be about living in the moment; but understanding that our past and often times our sob stories provide a foundation of who we are. Can we learn and grow from our experience... gaining wisdom, learning lessons building strength and moving on into the positive. Or do we instead linger and wallow in our own misery, using the experiences as proof of our un-worthiness, our inability and the futility of it all?
Personally I prefer the former... if my sob stories are going to have an influence on the man I am today, on the life I lead; I choose for the positive! I see the many trials I've been through and recognize my own strength; that I made it through. I recognize how capable I really am and how I've withstood so much. I recognize the lessons I've learned and make them a part of my growth, to be better. So when I hit tough times, in the here and now... Like difficulties finding new gigs, or dealing with the rejection of the business, money woes, etc... I don't feel helpless, or useless, unworthy or incapable. I know it is not futile, and that I have all the tools skill and experience necessary to withstand the storm. I remember who I am and I know. So to all going through hard times... I say to you... remember your sob stories as a source a strength! Remember what you've come through already; what you're capable of, remember your strength, and go forward with courage confidence and faith in yourself, today ... and hope for tomorrow!
Personally I prefer the former... if my sob stories are going to have an influence on the man I am today, on the life I lead; I choose for the positive! I see the many trials I've been through and recognize my own strength; that I made it through. I recognize how capable I really am and how I've withstood so much. I recognize the lessons I've learned and make them a part of my growth, to be better. So when I hit tough times, in the here and now... Like difficulties finding new gigs, or dealing with the rejection of the business, money woes, etc... I don't feel helpless, or useless, unworthy or incapable. I know it is not futile, and that I have all the tools skill and experience necessary to withstand the storm. I remember who I am and I know. So to all going through hard times... I say to you... remember your sob stories as a source a strength! Remember what you've come through already; what you're capable of, remember your strength, and go forward with courage confidence and faith in yourself, today ... and hope for tomorrow!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Performing live at Directing Actors Gym (#DAGym)
Damn I must be so insecure... yet, I'm so self assured! Its such an awkward balance... to know your good... but there so many others out there that's as good or better than you on any given day! It is something us performers (well speaking particularly for myself) must face and deal with on a regular basis.
I attended the Directing Actors Gym (hashtag fro twitter users) #DAGym; brainchild of Miles Maker ('Writer/Director, social Agent and Producer of content & conversation'). Witnessed so much talent all in one room doing their thing. Three scenes, performed multiple times by various teams. Each team member working together on said scene for the first time; and often times just meeting each other, there on the spot! With established guest directors providing feedback, adjustments and direction. It literally is a "Gym" for performers. A workshop & forum for all industry insiders in general!
It was amazing to see all the different performers, performing the same scenes, but always different! Different nuances, choices, approaches and interpretations! None ever really right, or wrong... but just different. Some working better than others (from my perspective) but never black and white... right or wrong.
Acting, performing in general can be such a subjective game... and while some choices maybe stronger than others, or work better for certain scenes... its all based on a subjective viewpoint. What we often see, in the end product is but one possible vision; the collaborative perspective of writer and director, producer and performer. While the writer my provide the story and dialogue, their vision alone is then morphed by the interpretation and vision of a director... A director, who is often influenced by the will of the producers; and colored by the nuances of a performer (even when that performer is hand picked, to come closest to the aforementioned vision). Yet while all these things may result in a final product of what's ultimately presented to the world at large, it is not the end all be all of a story... just like all human persective... that same story can be told a million times, a million different way by a million different people. Some could make it funny, some may make it dramatic... and it was amazing witnessing THAT live, at a venue like Directing Actors Gym.
An inspiring reminder of my role within this whole craft of story telling, weather performing, or writing or adding to a creative vision and any other way I choose to contribute. It reminds me not to take things too personally; or get too full of myself. On any side of the spectrum. It encourages me to continue learning and growing in this craft... and reminds me never to be complacent or rest on past laurels... that no matter how good I may be on any particular day... its all perspective. That there's always more to learn, better choices to make... different ways to approach and as such... Room to grow! Blessed because I Love what I do! I hope you do too!
I attended the Directing Actors Gym (hashtag fro twitter users) #DAGym; brainchild of Miles Maker ('Writer/Director, social Agent and Producer of content & conversation'). Witnessed so much talent all in one room doing their thing. Three scenes, performed multiple times by various teams. Each team member working together on said scene for the first time; and often times just meeting each other, there on the spot! With established guest directors providing feedback, adjustments and direction. It literally is a "Gym" for performers. A workshop & forum for all industry insiders in general!
It was amazing to see all the different performers, performing the same scenes, but always different! Different nuances, choices, approaches and interpretations! None ever really right, or wrong... but just different. Some working better than others (from my perspective) but never black and white... right or wrong.
Acting, performing in general can be such a subjective game... and while some choices maybe stronger than others, or work better for certain scenes... its all based on a subjective viewpoint. What we often see, in the end product is but one possible vision; the collaborative perspective of writer and director, producer and performer. While the writer my provide the story and dialogue, their vision alone is then morphed by the interpretation and vision of a director... A director, who is often influenced by the will of the producers; and colored by the nuances of a performer (even when that performer is hand picked, to come closest to the aforementioned vision). Yet while all these things may result in a final product of what's ultimately presented to the world at large, it is not the end all be all of a story... just like all human persective... that same story can be told a million times, a million different way by a million different people. Some could make it funny, some may make it dramatic... and it was amazing witnessing THAT live, at a venue like Directing Actors Gym.
An inspiring reminder of my role within this whole craft of story telling, weather performing, or writing or adding to a creative vision and any other way I choose to contribute. It reminds me not to take things too personally; or get too full of myself. On any side of the spectrum. It encourages me to continue learning and growing in this craft... and reminds me never to be complacent or rest on past laurels... that no matter how good I may be on any particular day... its all perspective. That there's always more to learn, better choices to make... different ways to approach and as such... Room to grow! Blessed because I Love what I do! I hope you do too!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Honesty ... really the best policy?
We've heard it all before... Ideological staples like "The truth shall set you free", "Honesty is the best policy"; and many other idealistic staples passed down to us from early childhood. All, very good lessons to learn; and although these lessons are taught to us (generally speaking) in the earliest phases of life... formative years; yet somewhere along the line, personally, I learned to lie. Not just, lying in the straight-out outlandish story making sense; but the whole gamut of the lie spectrum. The self protecting lie to keep out of trouble, the white lie to protect others and their feelings, the half truths and self denial to cushion our own ego's and/or maintain our perceptions of self.
It's interesting to think of it now, because in most case's people are not taught how to lie outright, but we seem to learn it in one way or another... possibly through watching and observing, or maybe just natural inclination; like the 1st time a child may realize telling a falsehood or half truth could help them avoid punishment. Maybe it's just part of human nature... hardwired into our self preservation circuits. Who know's exactly where we get it from; but most people in there life time have as least lied to someone or themselves at one time or another. I know I have... hell, there was even a time when I had a real problem with lying. When I think of it now, I must've been borderline pathological, as I found myself lying, for no apparent reason, or for reasons as shallow as having others think better of me. But, I digress... these days I am an avid practitioner of honesty. Life's bumpy road has taught me the value of being real and genuine. As a performer I spend a fair amount of time, escaping myself, portraying lives and stories not true to my own and, in a sense, playing make believe. Living as such, makes my desire for truth and genuineness in my everyday life a necessity. Still, no matter how much I embrace truth in my life there are always reason, justifications and temptations to lie.... especially to myself.
I often have to remind myself that people are responsible for themselves, that its not my place to protect others with white lies, or hidden truths etc; because once those truths are exposed (as it usually happens), it usually hurts them (and that relationship) much more than it would have, had that person been allowed to prepare and fend for themselves. It's this same logic, when turned around to myself, that won't allow me to get caught up in the traps of illusion, and self denial. I am reminded that I need to face the truths (harsh or otherwise) about myself, to continue to learn and grow on this journey called life. No one's perfect, but as I continue to better myself, I am learning that facing the truths, that others so easily lie to themselves about is what helps (and will continue to) make me stronger, wiser and a better; a better actor, a better person, a better man. So I'm learning, the best thing I can do, for myself and for those around me, is to be honest, to (respect and) allow us all to deal with the reality of life as it is. And thats not to say 'yes... lets all just go around, smacking down others and crushing peoples feelings in the name of the truth'... there is a line between being truthful and honest and being brutally honest (which just seems to be tainted with the intention to cause pain). However, in the grand scheme of things I'm learning more and more... that those idealistic lessons taught in my early years (by the same people I probably learned a bit about lying from) are indeed true. Honesty really is the best policy.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
New Look! New Approach! New Prospects... of change!!
So... Ive been M.I.A past couple of weeks. Wish I could say, "I've been oh so busy... amazing things are happening to me career wise and personally... My career is sky rocketing, and I found my self in a whirlwind of activity... YAY for me!!!" ... Well I wish I could say that... but truth is, I cant. Well not exactly ... See I've been feeling a bit stuck lately... Creatively blocked... frustrated and in a bit of a funk lately. Things not happening as fast as I would like lately... and distractions from the tedious, day to day rigors of life, taking my focus and energy.
These EXCUSES not withstanding... I know I had to man up... 'tough out' this funk and break out of my rut. It was time for CHANGE. Change... That inevitable, irregularly-regular occurrence, so many fear and dislike. A happening, Ive become adjusted to, accustomed to and now seek out in my life. I've learned that change doesn't have to be this abstract, uncontrollable event that I am victimized by. That I have some control over the things happening in my world. That, because something is unknown, doesn't automatically equate to negative, or bad. Ive learned, and am learning that... sometimes, being willing to leave that safety-netted comfort zone... is necessary step towards embracing change that will impact your life for the good. So now, I embrace change, in the efforts of making things better. Unwilling to allow that comfort make me apathetic towards living my life, following and finding my joy(s).
I had to remind myself that, I never want to be soooo comfortable, that I cease to be curious. That I cease to want to learn, and grow as a person and as an artist. I had to remind myself that facing and overcoming my fears, taking on new challenges and experiences, is a most thrilling and important part of the journey.
So here I am, with a new look... a new approach... and new prospects dancing in my head. I shaved all my hair off! For those that have known me or seen me, know I had long dread-locks that I had been growing for many years; locks I had become attached to. For a while there, I almost identified myself synonymously, with my hair. As others became (just as, if not more) attached to and defined me by it. I was comfortable with that... I like how I looked... was unsure how Id look or be accepted without them. I booked a good amount of gigs with them... but refused to acknowledged, how my insistence on keeping them, was keeping me from growing and doing more as an artist and professional in the industry. I made excuses, like, 'my investment and branding being tied to my look', and 'how changing that would set me too far back'.
All just ways of trying to be safe, in my comfort zone.
But, Ive since; opened up to and am taking on new opportunities. Not, just strictly acting but in other areas; allowing me to develop my skills and grow as a person and artist. I'm taking on teaching, a beginners acting class to beginning students for a studio thats requested my services. An opportunity that allows my to share some of my knowledge and gifts... as I continue to work on my own craft and help others. Ive also started freelance blogging for a new new site... an opportunity I came by, through this very blog. My new look, has gotten great reaction and feedback from my supporters, peers, loved ones and industry colleagues. New opportunities are appearing all around me...and I can see, more in the future for my continued growth! I am excited again... and ready for action! So hello world! I'm Baaackkkk!!! Not that I ever went anywhere really... we all go through phases of funk sometimes... but It's in those time I try to remember... change is good! So while I cant EXACTLY say... "My career is sky rocketing, and I found my self in a whirlwind of activity" I can say that... I am still blessed and see the world in bloom all around me.. Yay for me after-all!!
Wishing the same for you....
Peace and blessings!
These EXCUSES not withstanding... I know I had to man up... 'tough out' this funk and break out of my rut. It was time for CHANGE. Change... That inevitable, irregularly-regular occurrence, so many fear and dislike. A happening, Ive become adjusted to, accustomed to and now seek out in my life. I've learned that change doesn't have to be this abstract, uncontrollable event that I am victimized by. That I have some control over the things happening in my world. That, because something is unknown, doesn't automatically equate to negative, or bad. Ive learned, and am learning that... sometimes, being willing to leave that safety-netted comfort zone... is necessary step towards embracing change that will impact your life for the good. So now, I embrace change, in the efforts of making things better. Unwilling to allow that comfort make me apathetic towards living my life, following and finding my joy(s).
I had to remind myself that, I never want to be soooo comfortable, that I cease to be curious. That I cease to want to learn, and grow as a person and as an artist. I had to remind myself that facing and overcoming my fears, taking on new challenges and experiences, is a most thrilling and important part of the journey.
So here I am, with a new look... a new approach... and new prospects dancing in my head. I shaved all my hair off! For those that have known me or seen me, know I had long dread-locks that I had been growing for many years; locks I had become attached to. For a while there, I almost identified myself synonymously, with my hair. As others became (just as, if not more) attached to and defined me by it. I was comfortable with that... I like how I looked... was unsure how Id look or be accepted without them. I booked a good amount of gigs with them... but refused to acknowledged, how my insistence on keeping them, was keeping me from growing and doing more as an artist and professional in the industry. I made excuses, like, 'my investment and branding being tied to my look', and 'how changing that would set me too far back'.
All just ways of trying to be safe, in my comfort zone.
But, Ive since; opened up to and am taking on new opportunities. Not, just strictly acting but in other areas; allowing me to develop my skills and grow as a person and artist. I'm taking on teaching, a beginners acting class to beginning students for a studio thats requested my services. An opportunity that allows my to share some of my knowledge and gifts... as I continue to work on my own craft and help others. Ive also started freelance blogging for a new new site... an opportunity I came by, through this very blog. My new look, has gotten great reaction and feedback from my supporters, peers, loved ones and industry colleagues. New opportunities are appearing all around me...and I can see, more in the future for my continued growth! I am excited again... and ready for action! So hello world! I'm Baaackkkk!!! Not that I ever went anywhere really... we all go through phases of funk sometimes... but It's in those time I try to remember... change is good! So while I cant EXACTLY say... "My career is sky rocketing, and I found my self in a whirlwind of activity" I can say that... I am still blessed and see the world in bloom all around me.. Yay for me after-all!!
Wishing the same for you....
Peace and blessings!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Affirmations?? Intentions?? Awww Hell ... My Demands out of life!!
I will have Artistic merit!
I will have, Quality work!
I will have, appreciation and recognition for my work!
I will have the generously fair compensation, which I know I deserve!
I will be of Service with my work and contributions
I will have Joy and fulfillment in all that I do!
These things I ask, demand and will achieve of my self and from the universe!!
These things and more, because (not to sound like a cheesy commercial) I Am Worth it!
These are the intentions, goals, aspirations and expectations, I have for myself; and what I expect (wholeheartedly) to achieve in ALL of my endeavors. I guess you can say these are affirmations; my proclamations to the universe at whole. Its a somewhat strange thing for me, personally to put these thoughts, desires and intentions out there in the open for the world to see. The fear of judgment of others, the judgement of myself... the fear of failure; hell even the fear of success. These and so many other internal & external concerns prevented me from expressing as much. It's taking me a long time to come to a place where I am comfortable enough, with the person I am, and with the desires in my heart, to express them openly; to know that it's okay to want them.... Now, having said (or typed) them for the 1st time (ever); I have to say... Phew! Thats a load off my chest. LOL!
It's strange to think of the different phases Ive gone through in my life; thoughts like money being the root of all evil and feeling negatively about those who have or who want money. As though, to want money is some sign of greed and evil desires. I used to feel as though desiring, appreciation or recognition (especially pertaining to acting) was a sign of shallowness and superficiality. Or that to ask for anything worthwhile, simply because I felt, I was worth it; was a sign of egotism and conceit that no one (let alone myself) deserved.
Now, through the growth I've made in my life, through study, through the arts, through constant effort to improve myself, to be a better all around person (not just actor); I see how all those thoughts, were merely illusions. Limiting beliefs to keep me from expressing my full potential, beliefs that kept a free roaming LION acting like a caged mouse! I've learned that in order to reach the heights you want, you 1st have to be able to express them. Much like the old saying goes, "a closed mouth, doesn't get fed", and in this world we live in, we all need to be fed, so we all need to open our mouths! What is it you want from this world, from your life... what's preventing you from going for it... are those reasons real or illusion? All these and more are questions and issues I've had to face and ask of myself.
Looking back, the things that prevented me from going further, or accomplishing more all seem so silly to me. Why would I believe money is the root of all evil... fact of the matter is, we need money to survive; and while I'm not advocating GREED (especially at the sake of others), I believe we all deserve to live life comfortably, and in a way the helps facilitate our joy. I do not believe that we are born to just suffer and struggle, without even the opportunity and/or the tools to create a better world for ourselves and those around us. And while I am not looking to be famous and admired or worshiped by fans and groupies, the world over; who doesn't want to be appreciated and acknowledge for their work and contributions. When I perform, and I touch someone; to know that I did so, that I left a mark, taught a lesson, gave them joy or even helped them escape & entertain; is one of the greatest gifts I receive. Or to be told by peers and colleagues (especially those whom I admire) that they appreciated or enjoyed my quality of work, is both, a humbling and exhilarating experience that I treasure. It's nice to know your of value and appreciated. Who doesn't wish for merit, fulfillment and joy in the work that they do... these are things I personally wish for everyone. Things that help make life worth living (in my opinion); so I'd remiss (...Id be a fool!) to for wish such beautiful things for others, yet not desire them for myself. More than desire, to strive for and achieve them! To create the life and world that I want! To feel and know that I AM deserving of such! This is my statement to the uni-verse... this is the path that I walk... and I shall not relent!
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Balance of Power
Many, see performers as people with huge ego’s, and while that isn’t 100% true,
and larger, only to delude us of our own magnificence, and devour all other redeemable qualities of our personae. Okay, maybe that was a bit more dramatic than in actuality (blame the performer in me); but you get the point!
I’ve experience many harsh things in this business, critique and judgment like; loved ones telling me to ‘get real’, agents telling me to lose weight, change my look. I’ve felt the sting of rejection (either direct or indirect) by agents, casting people, or for roles (many times for things out of my control, like not looking like Will Smith). Dealt with poor show reviews, poor audience attendance, ratings; scams; and much more. I’ve also experienced the Joy and highs, from my success; the hype of the people, friends, fans and supporters; or just the world around me. Been in well received shows, packed houses and received standing ovations. Been celebrated for being spotted on TV, web shows etc; by friends, family and supporters. I’ve even been asked for autographs after shows or on the streets by people who have seen me perform. Experienced the hype by admirers, declaring how “cute” I am, being told by peers and colleagues how ‘brilliant’ I am, or how great my look is; or just that I ‘am going to be a star’; and so much more. All the while, it’s either fed or attacked my ego.
Without my ego, the negatives could have destroyed me; but without a sense of reality, humility and humbleness, all of the positives could have hyped me up to the point of unbearable. Although some of my friends still might say I can be a pain... lol! I think I’m managing alright.
The key, like all things in life; is balance… I take everything in this industry, good or bad with a grain of salt, so much of it, as in life is subjective. Perspective is a definite influence on all things in life. How you interpret and react to the world around you. I keep myself surrounded by like minded people; real people and positive people. It helps having good people, real people in your corner; to support you during the tough times and knock you back down to earth during the great ones. If you ask me, we all need that! So yes, I have an ego, I think I am great! I wish we all did… I wish we all knew our worth and our value… But, I know enough, to know that, my being great doesn’t make me better than anyone else…. And, that just because MY world revolves around ME; does NOT mean THE world revolves around me. As I always tell my friends, I’m confident not conceited (maybe borderline cocky…lol); and you should be too!
Stay Blessed!
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